While I don’t remember the source, I had heard the biblical wisdom “love thy neighbor as thyself” explained in a way that resonated with what I have heard so many times. We cannot give to others what we have not been given ourselves. Loving another begins with learning to love “YOU” first.
Parents’ who are working diligently to shift their paradigm, from the traditional parenting imprints of the generation before to a love based parenting paradigm, will often find themselves drained and exhausted. This is because we are trying to give what we have not received. In our drain and exhaustion we shift back into our traditional parenting imprints and lose our patience, yell, shame, blame and/or punish our children. After, we resort to judging ourselves, for how we reacted and we may even condemn ourselves, for failing to “get it right”.
In truth, you end up, treating your child in the same way you treat yourself and others have treated you. I would even assert that you are probably even harder on yourself than you are on anyone else. Next time this happens, start by forgiving you, be patient with you and show yourself some understanding. As you learn to give love to yourself, you will begin to naturally, effortlessly and gracefully give love to others.
Take this a step further; share your process with your child. For example you might say, “I realized that when I am frustrated with myself there is a voice in my head that says, “You better get it together” and that voice in my head said the same thing to you today. I apologize and realized I need to be more understanding of me, so I can be more patient with you too. Then, the next time you hear that voice in your head, share it aloud, “Hmmm that voice just came back telling me to get it together, (then talk to the voice and say) Thank you for sharing that with me voice, I am going to be ok.”
Sound odd? Being more gentle with ourselves will initially feel strange for most of us but it doesn’t have to for our children. Remember, 80% of what we model our children learn. The added bonus…you just changed the IMPRINTS OF GENERATIONS TO COME!
Helene Timpone, LCSW is an internationally recognized therapist, trainer, coach and consultant, especially noted for her work with Preteen and Teen Girls. Specializing in the areas of attachment, grief and trauma, Helene’s expertise is in empowering parents with information and techniques focused on understanding and identifying the trauma that lies beneath the child’s severe behaviors, creating long-term healing and enhancing close healthy relationships.
With 15 years of experience and continued education and training Helene has redesigned the way families receive the treatment and support they need for success. The families that have worked with Helene have reported an overall excellency rating of 98%. Helene has studied Family Regulatory Therapy with B. Bryan Post for close to a decade and continues her affiliation with the internationally recognized, Post Institute & Assoc. as the Clinical Director and Director of their Great Behavior Breakdown Program.
Helene’s success, passion and deep understanding of the issues facing Tween and Teen girls especially when severe behaviors are present, has led to the creation of Her Voice, Her Generation, LLC. Her organization, was designed to reach the homes of Tween and Teen girls globally by providing, workshops, tele-seminars, webinars, coaching, nonconventional therapy and consulting to families and/or professionals working toward healing adolescent girls with a history of trauma.